THE ANXIETY SPIRAL...

At the beginning of November I challenged myself to do something scary. I did my first podcast interview. Like most things in life, I did not go gently into this interview. I got very personal and aired a very private part of my life. I felt good leaving the studio and thought very little of it besides giving myself a slight pat on the back for stepping outside my comfort zone. Then I proceeded to get on with my day.

That was until the podcast host contacted me last night saying tomorrow is the day! It's going to air. My first thought was "shit, is it too late to back out?" My immediate propensity to new things is always to jump first, think later. This was no exception. I focused on the remaining info the host was requesting and after I hit send I spiraled. Anyone close to me knows when I get to that place to just let me slide. I have a freak out moment every time I complete a major project and it's ready for publication. It's just a thing. I always resurface and I'm good at picking myself back up. However this time was a bit different. Somewhere in the middle of my Alice in wonderland tumble down the rabbit hole, I thought of my therapist and how he always asks about the messaging I send myself in moments like this. Typically I never remember, so I decided to write it down. It went a little something like this, (tell me if you can relate)

Is this really happening?

Will I sound stupid?

Will people make fun of me?

What will people think?

Will I sound educated?

Will it be fluid?

Is it possible for one person to suck all the air from earth?

Can hippos jump?

Also who's great idea was this to put a microphone in my face and ask me to speak? Yikes!

Some of the other dialogue was this....

I'm not as good as my sister

If I don't nail it the first time I suck

Other people make it look easy

If I was meant to do this the skill would come naturally

Now, of course there is more but I think you get the point. It was interesting to read back because as I did, I realized how much untruth there was to some of it.

Yes, it's happening

No, I'm going to sound stupid. Well.....to be determined.

Some people might make fun of me, but some will also relate

I can't help what people think, so why worry about it

Of course I'm educated because it's my experience. I'm doing the work and continue to search for answers.

There's a good chance it won't be fluid, it was my first kick at the can. Learn and improve.

Not possible for one person, but I wonder how many it would take? LOL

No hippos can't jump but they gallop in water (I googled it)

Mine. It was my smart idea. I'm sorry, or you're welcome (or both)

I'm not as good as my sister and that's ok. She has over 20 years of public speaking and decades of training. She likely was fantastic on her first try either.

Everyone has a different definition of nailing it. I will probably never nail it because I'm hardest on myself.

Other people make it "look" easy, but it might not be for them. I can't compare, comparison is the devil.

Every skill take practice. I need to be brave enough to do it again. Eventually I'll get good at it.

I put this here because I know I'm not alone in my struggle. If you are someone who spirals occasionally, try to write it down. Word vomit everything that comes to mind and read it back afterwards. Chances are it wasn't objective. Chances are it wasn't all the truth. Chances are it's just a story you're telling yourself in the moment.

Be kind to yourself. You're not meant to be perfect. Everyone is fallible. You got this!

-S